“Removing the Sense of Urgency”
Given that all authentic and committed relationships have conflict at some level, being able to resolve conflict is an essential piece to a healthy relationship. In part 1 of Conflict Resolution we are talking about removing the sense of urgency.
Conflict is usually conflict because someone has been hurt or “feels” like they will be hurt. When we feel hurt we usually want to remedy that feeling as soon as possible. Unfortunately, our quickest and most natural response to being hurt is to hurt back. If our ultimate goal is to resolve conflict in a thorough, respectful and progressive way, the first step is to remove the sense of urgency that can develop when we feel attacked.
Few conflicts are truly urgent. They can feel like an emergency, but in all honesty, they can be postponed. If necessary, schedule a time to resume the conflict if one or both of you are too emotional. Schedule the conflict for a time when you are both in a better state of mind. Whether that is in the evening or morning or perhaps on a weekend day. Pick a time that works for the two of you.
When we feel as though the conflict is urgent we can quickly become defensive and or attacking. It is difficult to be creative in resolving conflict when we are defensive or have feelings of urgency. When we become swept up in the emotions of the conflict we can easily say things we later regret. When we are attacking or defending it is difficult to “hear” the other person’s point of view and when neither person “feels” heard they usually speak louder and become even more attacking. Kind of like that annoying American tourist who doesn’t know the local language and says the same thing over and over, only louder.
In order to remove the sense of urgency, one or both of you have to be able to recognize that emotions are running too high and that the conversation is not being productive. One example of how to do this would be the following: “Honey, I believe we are both pretty worked up and not really hearing each other. It is obvious that we both care about this subject and want it to be resolved. Is there a time later today or this week when we can resume this conversation?” This question is polite and lets the other person know that they want to resolve the conflict – not just avoid it.
Conflict Resolution · Josh Emery · Marital Conflict · Marriage Counseling · Parenting